seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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