WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
