I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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