I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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