Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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