Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
