This dress was meant to end up on your floor
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize