This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
