just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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