mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
