Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
