Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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