Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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