then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
