i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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