so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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