I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
