You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
