Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
