I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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