So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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