I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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