Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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