I'm eating all of the evidence.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
