so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
