Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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