Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
