My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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