Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
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