He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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