I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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