you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
