i can't believe i had my finger in that
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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