yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
