he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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