i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
