Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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