Moan for me like Helen Keller
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I need a burrito and a hug.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
