I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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