a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
