After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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