I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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