We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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