Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
