I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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