I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
