I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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