Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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