one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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