So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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