I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
