I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
