the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
