i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
