Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
