they need to just BURY HIM!
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
