Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
