a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
