I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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