You're my little dorito
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
