Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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