some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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