Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
