i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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