i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
